Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
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Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Please do it!
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”