When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
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A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?