Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
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For the ones in the back.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
My safe word is Worcestershire
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”