You should be tunashamed of yourself!
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only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
and this one
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table