I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
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a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.