First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
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My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Anyone want a chair?
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.