I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
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o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.