Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
You Might Also Like
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.