[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
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Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don鈥檛 have any money
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I鈥檓 not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
[Date]
Her: you鈥檙e a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today鈥檚 date
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 馃槑
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 馃槶馃槶
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don鈥檛 know if you can get it off again.
Satan: I鈥檓 gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I鈥檓 gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time