I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
You Might Also Like
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits