Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
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did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password