How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
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If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”