I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
You Might Also Like
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Spa day..😅
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.