me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
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me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
So glad we cleared that up
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat