Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
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We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.