Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
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You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?