Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
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[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life