Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
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ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Me :
All Day At Night
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Start the year as you intend to continue.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”