Welcome
You Might Also Like
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
I told my vodka about you.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .