Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
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Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience