“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
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parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.