Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
You Might Also Like
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.