“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
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Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I鈥檓 covering for Debbie this weekend.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
He’s so proud of his work! 馃ぃ
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don鈥檛 wanna get up
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven鈥檛 baked it yet.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It鈥檚 called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don鈥檛 have to copy that part.
Not now mom I鈥檓 downloading a new virus from Limewire
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source