If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
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Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Donkey Kong sommelier
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂