remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
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I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.