When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
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Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
School be like
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians