This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
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Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u