People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
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The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
#MeanwhileinCanada
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop