Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
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My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
inside you are two wolves
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi