‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
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“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
No, he would not have.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
buying dead houseplants to save time
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?