I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
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‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts