Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
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Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
inventing words: clothing
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*