I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
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me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
philosophical skeletons be like
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you