If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
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“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.