I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
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I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
(yawn)
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.