[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
You Might Also Like
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*