Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
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[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…