5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
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[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
They must have gotten it to go.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.