@LosLos__: •speed dating•
I'm looking for a girl with fire in her eyes.
Her: Hi. My name is Carrie.
@WilliamAder: Don't ask me if I have a safety pin if you're going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
@Jaywoo74: Cop: You know why I pulled you over?
M: Not using my blinker?
M: Because I'm drunk?
Cop: Sir get off the mower!
@MUMSIEesq: If my 3YO's fortune was "you will eat the paper inside the cookie and then cry about it for 2 hrs," this Chinese restaurant is VERY accurate
@Tmoney68: BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
@Sassafrantz: As a mom, I know nothing good happens after you hear one of your kids yell "JOHN CENA!!"