@LosLos__: •speed dating•
I'm looking for a girl with fire in her eyes.
Her: Hi. My name is Carrie.
@FeelingMervis: DATING TIP: Surprise your date! Show up a day early.
@garrydavenport: To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
@upsidedowntrash: GF: You cant keep it.
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
@YesThatAmy: What did I do before Twitter? Well, there's my family and......OH MY GOD WHERE'S MY FAMILY?!?!
@Epygma: *i get chased into a dark alley*
*two men walk up to me holding a knife*
"If you join our insurance you can save up to-"