@shwebby3: •Woozy woman comes up•
"OMG I'm-I'm gonna faint!"
"Go ahead, knock yourself out"
@envydatropic: I'm not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I'm just saying my dog's breath was minty fresh this morning.
@DaddyJew: Of course I like you, I gave you that roofie didn't I?
@OhNoSheTwitnt: I just got asked to work on a "special project" which is boss for "This was assigned to me but you're smarter so here you do it."
@jergarl: After 10 years of marriage I've composed a check list of good reasons to get married.
1) Your family is being held hostage.
@Xoolun: My wife nominated me to do the ice bucket challenge. I'm a little confused.
Has anyone else been asked to hold a toaster at the same time?