*Things that won't get done today.
@_sweet_ham: My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
@Carbosly: You say "save the date", I hear "more time to come up with an excuse of why I'm not going."
@Schmoodles: My new boyfriend says the cutest things, like "Who are you?" and "Why are you hiding outside my house?" and "My wife is calling the police."
@AnniemuMary: Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
@Arrogant_Twat: My doctor told me to start killing people.
Well not in those exact words. He said I need to reduce the stress in my life.