*Things that won't get done today.
@MK_Shenanigans: I forgot FB was not Twitter & posted something ultra dirty.
Now I have to avoid my granndma, change my hair color & leave the state.
@juliussharpe: Dating is basically lying to women about how you like to travel.
@DaddyJew: Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *adjusts beer helmet* no
@Maxine12333: Daughter saw old clothes I've saved for sentimental value & said 'I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too'. She's out of the will.
@katta_IoIkatt: The cats told me the reason we only have one life is because we're too stupid to handle nine lives. I believe this is true.