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@LizHackett: A kid in the grocery store screamed "I'M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!" as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
@UncleDuke1969: "My advice? Don't have children. They're horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?" "OK, Daddy."
@lilgapeach30: Girls. Don't get upset if your twitter crush stars a really hot girl or even retweets her cause she is prolly really a dude. Stay calm.
@patrickmarkryan: On a positive note, once Trump becomes president and burns the world to the ground, our student loan debt is essentially wiped clean