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@VintageBabe1212: Decided to stop partying at friends houses who have toddlers... Those childproof bathroom doorknobs are absolutely hell to open while drunk.
@SuperJuanderer: Wife has spotted me tweeting while she is talking to me. This does not please her. She is currently approaching me. She is reaching for my
@aaronnemo: Me: You're the only one who truly gets me. Chipotle guy: What? Me: I said chicken. Chicken burrito.
@DadInUtah: 6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don't worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?