@OhNoSheTwitnt: 🎶 You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, I'm telling you why. Life gets worse when you're an adult. 🎶
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@ninjadinosaur1: I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I'm awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
@OrangeFact: [First Date] HER: I love dogs. ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador - medium rare.
@TheRolo: Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.