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@Brianhopecomedy: 2 year old runs naked down the street. "Awwwwwwwwwwwwww." I run naked down the street. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
@DaddyJew: Plumber: why are there nachos in your shower drain? Me: why wouldn't there be nachos in my shower drain?
@rebrafsim: [thrift store] Me: I'd like one thrift, please Cashier: sir, we sell used- Me: money is no object C: we don't- M: I need a thrift