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@trevso_electric: "Smells fresh. Like a tropical island." "Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family's been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!"
@ddsmidt: Estimated assembly time said 20 minutes, it took much longer than that. Clearly the instruction writer is overly confident in his skills.
@therealeatwood: [Wedding] “…to join these two in holy matrimony. The Ring, please?” [Maid of Honor pops tape in VCR.] [One week later: everyone dies.]
@LeaMehanna: I think my microwave's broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out