“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
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Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM