INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
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Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!