ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
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My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.