”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
You Might Also Like
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department