[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
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My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.