Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
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Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
THIS HEADLINE
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
bro what is going on at twitter
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean